Build Your World First: Why I Tell Men to Wait
I got married when I was twenty-three. My wife had just turned twenty.
At the time, I believed I was doing the right thing — that finding a good woman early was wise, even righteous. I figured that if marriage is good, then getting there sooner must be better.
And in many ways, I was right. My wife is an incredible woman, and our marriage has been one of the greatest gifts of my life. But almost ten years in, I can see what I couldn’t then: I wasn’t finished becoming the man that God and nature intended for me to be.
If I could go back, I wouldn’t undo our marriage. I would simply tell my younger self — and every young man who asks — to build his world first.
The Myth of “Finding the Right Woman”
Men today are told to go find the right woman, as if she’s the key to unlocking the rest of their life. But that’s backward. The man makes the marriage; the man shapes the household; the man sets the tone.
If you’re not yet a man of vision, discipline, and spiritual grounding, no woman — no matter how good she is — can fix that for you. She’ll follow your lead, but if there’s no direction, she’ll wander with you.
As hard as it is to see in modernity, the truth is that women naturally follow order. They want to be part of something secure, purposeful, and strong. That’s not misogyny — it’s biology, it’s creation, it’s reality. But if you don’t embody that order yet, she has nothing to submit to.
The problem is that the state of modern women is sad. Women’s natural instincts are all but gone and they’re almost all focused on the wrong things, because they’ve stepped outside of their natural bounds and crossed over into unfamiliar territory. With that in mind, it’s just plain easier to find the right woman when you wait to date.
Why Waiting Works in Modernity
When I say men should wait to date or marry until they’re established, I don’t mean wait passively. I mean build your domain.
Use your twenties to become dangerous in the right way — competent, disciplined, and rooted in wisdom.
Get strong. Learn skills. Read deeply. Work hard. Learn what your faith actually teaches, not what the culture around it says. Stack wins quietly, until you can look around and say: “This is my domain.”
Then, when you meet a woman, she’ll feel it. Not because you’re rich or flashy, but because you’re anchored. That’s what women are drawn to — the calm confidence of a man who’s built something real.
The truth is that most women your age are going to feel the pull of egalitarianism, feminism, boss babe mentality that’s focused all on them. Once you’ve built your domain you can avoid that trap by searching for a woman earlier on in her journey.
Age Gaps and Natural Order
There’s nothing strange about a man being older than his wife. That’s how it’s been through almost all of human history.
A man’s prime doesn’t come at any specific age — it comes after he’s proven himself. In the past that came a lot earlier, but now there’s a quagmire of different opinions and options that we all have to sort through. Meanwhile, a woman’s youth and gentleness naturally peak in her twenties and early thirties.
But we live in an egalitarian age that treats that truth like heresy. The result? Men feel rushed to find “their equal” rather than becoming the man who brings balance through his leadership.
A man in his early thirties dating a woman in her early twenties isn’t something weird — it’s something ancient, something right. That age difference isn’t exploitation. It’s order.
The average age of first sexual encounter in the United States is 17 years old, according to Wikipedia, meaning that before boys have even become men they’re taught to expend significant energy chasing sexual interactions. While the average age of first marriage is around 30 years old, Pew Research data shows that the average age gap is just 2.2 years apart – meaning men are not only wasting a lot of time on dating and relationships from a young age, but also ending up with women their own age instead of younger women.
Build Your Domain
The bottom line is this: If you’re a man in your late teens or early twenties, don’t make dating a priority. The culture wants you distracted — chasing women, chasing approval, chasing dopamine. Ignore it all.
You are in the stage of your life meant for conquest — not of people, but of self.
Conquer your impulses. Conquer your laziness. Conquer your confusion.
When you’ve built something stable — your character, your career, your vision — then look for a woman who fits into it.
The right one won’t resist your direction; she’ll be drawn to it. She’ll see in you what most men her age lack: purpose.
It will take convincing and you will have to tear down the walls that modern culture builds in almost every young woman these days. Stick to your conviction unflinchingly and she will notice the difference between you and the other men that society is currently creating.
The Crown Comes After the Kingdom
A submissive woman is not beneath her husband; she is his crown. But a crown means nothing if there’s no kingdom to rule.
So build first. Build until you can look at your life and know you’re capable of leading someone else through it.
Then, when the time comes, take your bride not as a boy chasing a feeling, but as a man assuming his duty.
Because when men build order, women return to it. And when women return to order, the world begins to heal.
Long Live the Patriarchy.
